During GISHWHES, you may have to unearth a plethora of products that may not be available in your local area (or on eBay). Consequently, you may at a loss for how to locate what you need. FEAR NOT!
Neptune Nic suggests that if you are, for instance, searching for Kale, you might venture to where the green leafy things are known to congregate. If these searching methods bear no fruit (or kale), then it’s time to call the emergency services center near you.*
*Make sure to shout out the name of the item you need when the operator asks if you require police, ambulance or fire department.
Note - As demonstrated, it is essential to wear your snorkel and goggles when seeking ANY elusive missing item!
Groove patch. Van Dyke. Shenandoah. Goatee.
Nothing intimidates the competition like silky, soulful facial hair. Tripper the Temptress says: “Ladies, take a page from Paul Bunyan and let your face birth a magnificent chin curtain, then wear it during your tasks with pride and vigour!”
Note - For best results, soak your chin overnight in a mixture of four parts Serpessence to one part Miracle Grow.
Anonymous said: Is it true that you all got Viking helmet tattoos whilst on your prize trip?
What an interesting question… you might have to look at this year’s photos VERY CAREFULLY to try and find out.
In other news, congratulations! You inspired Tip #9.
Here, the Lovely Lola offers one option for preparing for the turbulent tumble-dry that is GISHWHES - a nice cup of tea with 200 of her closest stuffed friends. What you don’t see is the hours she has spent training them to bend to her will. Now they will gladly enact a teddy bear hostage situation as well as being ready for whatever the sacred item list has to offer. Fine work, Lola!
*Teddybear wrangling is now being offered as a diploma program at the College of Wooster.
Your wild, wacky and watermeloned team is nearly ready to take on the brain-warping challenges of GISHWHES, but be cautioned - no one can win the hunt alone! Therefore, as much as you may want to strut your spectacular stuff, your ability to collaborate, categorize and congeal will turn a toddling team into a Concorde of Conquest!
So, how do you demonstrate your endless devotion and selfless service?
Note - Vatican Cameos home-made team tattoos have been approved and mostly sanitized by Olaf the Hairy.*
*In return for services rendered, your viking of choice may demand a few hours of rowing or possibly a chest massage.
Pumpkins, melons, kale and cheese have all had a part to play in past hunts, so it is imperative to hone your prep skills, knowing that GISHWHES is never fully dressed without something edible.
Notorious N.A.T. will demonstrate the skills and tools you will need during this leg of your training. She has selected watermelon as her prey.
Step one: Locate a suitable watermelon.
Step two: Find the perfect kitchen tool with which to murder your melon.
Step three: Cut your melon beastie into workable pieces. Now you will be prepared to make helmets, shoes, dresses or beds for your pets!
Step four: Present your offering to the mighty Elopus whilst standing on one foot.* Now, wear your shiniest look of pride, assured in the fact that all your team’s food-related tasks are in your capable (and moist) hands.
*holding this position for an extended period of time may result in foot-cramping, excessive silliness and world peace.
To win, you must be strong like brick, and yet flexible, like sock monkey. Consider the actions of Countess Kat of Yoga Mat, who traveled from Seattle to Las Vegas to find a bigger, better strength training plan for GISHWHES 2014. After three days of intense plyometric workouts, early morning yoga sessions, and tapping into the secret power of space kitten leggings, she was ready. Not even a giant roller skate can best her style and squat form.*
*if you cannot locate a giant roller skate in your area, hold your wand aloft, and a madman with a blue box will bring you a bow tie.
Note - Space kittens may require a multi-dimensional litter box.
anichan7 said: Hey guys! sorry, I'm a first time gisher and i have a doubt, if there's some item like "make underwear made of ham and wear it" do I have to be the one who wears it? I mean, can't be me the one who makes the underwear but one of my friends could wear it for the picture?
May I refer you to commandment #24?
"24. Social Media Outsourcing - Although we encourage you to reach out to family, friends, neighbors, students, teachers and your social media communities to assist you with gathering props, serving as additional bodies in your multi-person photos and videos, connecting you to people and places, and otherwise assisting you with the completion of the items, we expect YOU and YOUR TEAM to be the primary participants of each of the items. You are not permitted to crowd-source or purchase entire items from third-parties. We will be checking the Twitter/FB/Tumblr feeds of potential winning teams to see if team members have outsourced the completion of items. What does this mean? This means if you tweet to a thousand of your followers for someone to make you one of the items and deliver you the image or video, this submission would be ineligible. If we see multiple instances of this, your team may be disqualified. However, if you tweet that you’re looking for a Batman costume so you can borrow it to go to a Bingo night at your local rec center, we would enthusiastically accept the completed item. Use your head on this. If we see a bunch of submissions that have lots of people that aren’t on your team, you’re not following our commandments and you will be penalized. DO NOT email our support to ask questions regarding this commandment. You be the judge… and then we will."
In short: Use your best judgement. Commandment #24 is new this year.
And why not wear the underwear made of ham? It’s fun! I wore a cheese dress in public, in a cold place in November and my husband still mocks me to this day.
Due to a near catastrophic failure in adhesion last hunt, the Vatican Cameos has hired an independent lab to field test the strength, absorbency, wind resistance and flavour of 1300 different brands of feminine protection. In the race for quality, there is no finish line.
Note - All testing staff have been paid according to set standards, unless otherwise noted in the Alfalfa Clause.
If winning GISHWHES is your goal, be prepared to be the worst family member/friend/pet owner during the hours that you are frantically skyping to your team-mates or building scale models of CW characters from corn cobs.
Team Vatican Cameos’ Lovely Lola suggests that you should open up your GISHWHES cookbook and prepare something tasty and kale-filled for your family to enjoy BEFORE you squeeze into your prom dress and roller skate to the landfill.
Note - Wearing your tea bag swimwear will enhance both the aroma and nutritional value of each tasty treat you lovingly prepare.
This task is not for the faint of heart. There will be moments in the days ahead when you will despair/question your sanity/believe your team-mates are plotting your death - but have no fear, good partners in creative chaos! This dark moment will pass (most likely once you’ve had sleep/food/a shower) and the Elopus will bless your journey. Until then, you may wish to consult the Ghost of GISHWHES Past.
*If, like us, you only managed to summon two inebriated (but very sweet) car salesmen, it’s best to burn the evidence, drink 12 oz of Serpessence and get back to the game.
Note - We advise you to wait until your Ouija board reaches a temperature of 350 degrees before you attempt to make s’mores.
GISHWHES demands your time, your mind, your soul and occasionally, your underpants. Hunt health is imperative! Jump-start your hemoglobin levels with a steady diet of kale and red wine. Resveratrol for all! The last thing you want is a pesky blood clot while you’re challenging your local Rabbi to a rap battle. So go ahead gallant GISHER, drink up!*
*Only recommended for individuals of age and nursing infants
Brought to you by Vatican Cameos and the People’s Republic of KALE
Here we have High Priestess Ellen demonstrating how to steal your child’s play dough/plasticine to create new friends*. As you my be aware, GISHWHES items often involve animals that may or may not exist, so be prepared to empty your craft drawers/medicine cabinets/neighbour’s garbage in order to find what you need to breathe life into your own creepy version of Animal Farm.
Note - Only one three-year-old was forced to take this picture of her mother. No other toddlers were present, but there may have been a disgruntled cat in the vicinity.
*If you have a fear of sanitary napkins, GISHWHES may not be right for you. Please consult your local Pork Rind Expert
GISHWHES will test the mettle of even the feistiest and fiercest of beasties. Here, Princess Julie of Horncastle (and her faithful companion, Sir Shine of the Shire) demonstrate the importance of practicing your team’s battle cry from the top of the GISHfort. For maximum effect, try warming up to Carry On My Wayward Son before sunrise, so your neighbours can wake to your inspiring interpretation.
NOTE: Anything your neighbours throw during your performance is obviously an offering to the mighty Elopus, You may use these items during the hunt, as they will be blessed.